Mary
by Jeffrey Stockbridge
Mary, 2009.
Audio Transcription
Mary: I’ve been out here for uh twenty, approximately twenty-two years with an eight-year period of sobriety.
When I was like first coming out here I was like thirteen, fourteen years old.
When I was younger I didn’t get a whole lot of attention. And uh, walking to school every day this, this man used to talk to me, used to make me feel good, he used to pay attention to me like he noticed me and he was older, he was like twenty years older than I was and um you know like I said I wasn’t with my Mom, I was really shy uh I was very insecure about my teeth. He just made me feel good and I remember like today it was like his birthday or something like why don’t you not go to school today and you know we’ll go get something to eat, you know and I was like oh cool you know and uh and here he let me in and uh like shot me up with heroin and uh and it turned into the meth scene and the cocaine scene and, and I just, I just had it, that gene in my body I guess sometimes they say it’s genetic and you know I call it that gene, I have that gene that I have. It’s like an allergy. Once I put any kind of drug into my body I have an extremely hard time stopping.
I went to jail and I went to a rehab and like I had been to jail before, I was just so tired, I was so tired of this lifestyle. Well from the age of twelve, I really didn’t know anything else, you know. I just know I missed my family, you know and, and I remember telling the judge I said no matter how much time you give me please don’t send me back to the streets, send me to a program, whatever. And he did and from there I just rebuilt my life. I, I stayed clean for 8 years. I bought a home. I was a receptionist for a franchise corporation at Liberty Place. I had a son and he was four when I relapsed. And I didn’t step foot in the Kensington area for eight years and once I did I been here now for eight years. In which now I have a goal and you know I try to stay focused on it and I mean I go about it the right way, I’ve been saving some money and I plan on like, hopefully getting out of the neighborhood without a habit. I’m kinda weaning myself off. I’ll be forty-two years next, forty-two year old, next month, so it’s just like yeah.
I haven’t seen my son in about a year and prior to that I didn’t see him, I was a single parent for about four and a half years, and when I, I had three surgeries, that’s why I had a relapse. I wasn’t honest with the doctor and he prescribed me narcotics. So, but he didn’t know, I didn’t tell him you know and uh and once the prescription stopped then uh, there was that phenomenal craving.
And you know its, my family don’t understand because, because I do drugs doesn’t change my love for them. Or it doesn’t, we don’t have any protection around here. This is a horrible existence it really, really is a horrible existence you know and, and then the guilt, the guilt like, once I do get clean then the guilt, I have to face my family the guilt kinda takes me back like I don’t want to face this I’m such a bad person I cheated myself, how could I have done this you know. So I plan on just, just moving on by myself and moving out of state and having some money in my pocket and just rebuild, rebuild my life.
Like a lot of, like I just don’t do this for drugs I do this because I wanna eat because I like to buy clothes because I like small things you know. I did have a normal life at once you know but. The part that gets me is, the most is, how my family just don’t understand like this isn’t what I want to do this isn’t, I don’t choose this, I really don’t, but I think the whole thing you know I think it’s a shame my family doesn’t, like, like I really believe, like if my, if my family say like Mary come, come home stay with us like, if I can I would. You know like, like if it was my son, I think I would be there and I think a lot of it is because I can’t be with him. And it’s weird because I can’t be with him because I’m on drugs, but I’m on drugs because I can’t be with him.
First thing that struck me looking at the photo this woman has so much beauty about her , I often think i have a not very good life then i read something like this & i realise its not that bad , bringing up 6 children was very tough but i couldn’t imagine being kept away from them . . Life stories like this intrigue me so much , how anyone can think drugs can change your life for the good are chasing an impossible dream , but to some the dream is worth chasing . . I hope Mary finds the strength to rebuild her life for herself & her Son . .
You are so right – beauty going to waste. Just sad. I wish she could read these comments, she might get a second grand mal epiphany and really stay beautiful and be there for her son!
Its sad but she is right, the family does not understand. Speaking from experience I understand why they don’t invite her to live with them. Its dangerous. We allowed our son to move back home. We allowed him to use our old van to drive to work. One day my husband needed it to get to work on an AF base. As he pulled up to the gate to show his ID, as he stepped on the brake, drug paraphernalia rolled forward on the floor from the back to the front of the van. It could have been very, very bad for him and for me since I’m disabled and he is the only one who can work. If the guard had seen the paraphernalia my husband would have been arrested on the spot. We were not aware our son was still using. He had no right to put us in that type of situation. We don’t even drink or smoke. We felt used and abused and his dad nearly went to jail because of our son’s drug use. No family wants to deal with the potential liability of having a drug addict live in their home. We have other horror stories of things that happened when he was still a juvenile living at home and abusing drugs. Its very sad to say but there is too much at stake to risk an addict living in your home.
My heart goes out to these women on the street. To think that Mary has been out there for two decades, since the age of 11 or 12 is unimaginable. I just want to wrap my arms around them and hug them. The street changes a person. Mary does not yet see that she didn’t cause the addiction, she can’t control it and she can’t cure it, especially on her own. That’s what 12-step programs are for. Rooms that hold meetings ( Narcotics Anonymous) welcomes anyone who wants to achieve sobriety. I was kicked out of my childhood home before I was ready and lived in my car for two years in Houston, Texas. At least I had the protection of a car. These women have no protection. My dad was an alcoholic/addict and I stayed outside the bounds of society as much as possible to avoid being tempted by the things that killed him. But, living off food found in the streets and in school stadiums is not healthy. People need other people. We can get well in spite of anyone or anything, including homelessness, joblessness, unsupportive family members. I did. Today I am 22 years sober. I stayed with the same job for 29 years and am now living my dream as an artist. As a homeless 20 year old, I looked to faith beyond myself to help me. That God-faith-force-for-good led me to buy a children’s bible and I kept it with me while living in my car. My life was put in danger many times, but my faith in God kept me alive. I wish I could encourage these women somehow. For now I put them in the hands of God.
I realize how fortunate I am not having to cope with anyone else’s addiction other than my own. Having a parent or child as an addict is hell I can see. This blog should be viewed in health ed classes in middle school. It does not glorify addiction in any way and is an accurate portrait of “the life.” When I was in high school 1968-1972 we were shown some sensational movies that seemed surreal and cool and were set in an exotic ghetto setting with all black gangster types. Been in recovery for over 30 years now. Not around,slipping and sliding,but in. Twelve step programs and/or religion can help you kick a habit and perhaps keep you clean and sober long term but I found them too simple and dogmatic. Cookie-cutter and lock-step programs will fail a person looking for deep meanings to to life’s tough questions. All addicts are sensitive and all are searching for something. Reading philosophy and Theosophy while also being engaged in the service of others will get you out of your own head. All of us are brothers and sisters, from the same source and with the potential of making a difference in the lives of others.Give it a try.You have nothing to loose but your misery.
I know this woman now and she is sober, working. and in recovery. She is a good person and I am glad that everyone I see here at least one of them I know is safe tonight. I live in the area and I am also a recovering heroin addict. She is right it is a terrible life, but you can come back from it.
I can understand the drug relapse because i am living the life right now. I dont feel my woth and feel like im done fighting i just cant do it anymore im 25 and feel like giving up.
Hi Megan, thanks for your comment. The struggle is real. Are you in Kensington? If so, consider stopping by Prevention Point located at 2913 Kensington Avenue. There are good people there who can help.