Krista: I got out, I got, I been out since July, um…but I was in a recovery house for like 7 months, um, started getting high again just two months ago.
As soon as you start again, your habit’s just as bad as it was before you stopped. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn’t, like, build up again. It, it goes right back to where it was.
I, I know, you know what I’m saying, I know what the right thing to do is. I, I’m not at that point anymore where I’m just like, Oh I’m depressed, I’m a drug addict, you know what I mean? I know right from wrong and I know I can’t let things that happened to me in the past let, decide the way I live my life today. Right now I’m just, right now I’m just fucking up because I don’t care. You know what I mean? Because I, I’ve been clean, you know what I mean, and I, I know I can do it, and I, I just, I’m not like, I’m not where they’re at right now. They’re, they’re all, like, you know, depressed and shit, and I’m just, you know, I’m just fuckin up right now. You know, I mean, and I, I know I’ll get back to where I need to be, but this is what it, what it is right now.
I’ve been out on the Ave since 2001. Before, when I was 17, I started workin for escort services, and then I came out here in 2001, and I’ve been out here most of the time. I mean, I’ve been in jail a couple times, but most of the time I’ve been out here. But I’ve been doing dope for 16 years. I started doing dope when I was 14.
I was in Delaware County when I, I moved down here when I was like, 17. Cause like, back when I was 14 it was 1992 when Kurt Cobain killed himself, so like back then, it was like, cool to do heroin. You know what I mean? Me and my friend started doing dope, and, you know, it just turned into something different.
JS: What’d it turn into?
Krista: Well back then, I just, you know, I liked the way it made me feel. It made everything go away. It made me feel like everything was okay. You know what I mean? I didn’t care what anybody thought of me, you know what I mean, I didn’t care about anything, and I liked it that way. But it’s not even like that anymore. I don’t even get high anymore. I just get well. And eve…even though I just started, I just came back again, I probably only got high for like the first couple days. And then after 4 days I had a, I had a habit. You know what I mean? And it’s, it’s just this now. You know what I mean? It’s just regular.
I’m trying to get Suboxone right now because my insurance isn’t going to pay for me to go to detox or anything again. So I’m trying to get Suboxone so I can detox myself then go to another recovery house. You know, but it’s hard cause I gotta buy em off the street, you know what I mean, so it’s hard when I got the money to go down there and see if there’s anybody out there that has em, and if, you know, if they don’t then I’m spending the money on, on drugs, you know, and then I gotta start all over again. So. Alright, I gotta go, I don’t want these cops talking to me.
Dolly: He’s Alex. I’m Dolly and the dog’s Little Lady.
Jeffrey Stockbridge:You were struggling as an addict when you were raising your kids at the same time. And you were out here on the Ave?
Dolly:Yea. It was before I had her, but then after I had her too. See, she was born on Methadone. So she was a Methadone maintenance baby. But yea, I mean I, I think it’s easier when your, you know I mean not easier you know getting high altogether but when you’re an addict it’s a little bit easier when you don’t have children. My son was taken away from me. So, I mean he was there but then there was a certain period when he wasn’t there neither. I originally I gave him to my half-sister and she or my sister, excuse me and she gave him to my half-sister and in that time I was arrested and I was away for almost 6 months thinking that I would get my act together and I did for about 2 months and it’s really hard especially when you, when your in a relationship with somebody. Especially being married when yous are both addicted to the same thing, it it’s complicated.
My um, well I eventually got my son I, I wound up getting pregnant with my daughter and apparently I thought that was enough… Apparently that wasn’t enough because I went back out. Um, I wound up getting custody of him. I relapsed again, um that’s why I only have 16 months clean but the main thing that got me together is my mother is um, an addict and I didn’t want to turn out like my mom. And I see myself going down that road and I didn’t wanna. I was gonna, I was throwing away everything. I was throwing away my marriage, my husband had taken my daughter from me, you know my little boy goes to counseling today because of it all and I don’t, you know, I don’t want that anymore. I’m only 25 I’m too young for… you know what I mean, like I’m too young for all the drama and the chaos and I don’t want to die. That’s just, it’s not for me anymore. You know what I mean, I was living a very dangerous life. I goes, lots of times I coulda been killed. I was already hurt out there when some dealer got me high. I go to therapy for that. You know I mean I, I was doing one of the worse drugs you can do in, in the worst way, I was um, an IV user.
It all matters you know, it all depends if you really want it. You know I hit rock bottom, but I don’t want to die, that’s my main, that’s…
That’s my main thing. I don’t want to die. I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna leave my children…
You know and I hurt him too much you know and, and I hurt my family too much and its just, its too much, it’s so hard to keep yourself going when your using. You know what I mean I’m not saying it’s not complicated now because I go to my clinic, I’m on Methadone maintenance. I go there every single day Monday thru Sunday faithfully everyday. And it’s a pain. Cause there’s sometimes… There’s sometimes you know I don’t have a way to get there or I don’t feel like going or just something but I get up and go cause I know I have to go. I know if I don’t go that’s where I’m gonna wind up and I don’t want that anymore.
When I first got on this clinic I traveled 6 hours a day cause I wasn’t even in Philly. 6 hours a day just to get to this clinic. I was in Norristown. And this was at Germantown and School House Lane. But I mean I, I would have traveled you know to 5th and (inaudible) just get dope, why not travel to get myself better or not better, to get myself you know normal. But that’s what I’m doin and so far its working.
You know I have days where I think about using. Or, or I have days you know that I see the girls out on the Ave, but that’s my main thing, I see these girls out on the Ave and they’re so skinny and you know they’re getting in the car with whoever and these men don’t care. They don’t care about these girls at all. You know I had many a times where I was beat up, but then I had some guys that were actually nice… I always lucked out on the Ave. That’s what I said what I’m dealing with, I’m dealing with that now.
And you know this man almost killed me. And you know, it’s so much to deal with and I think it’s hard, it is, it’s harder on women than it is on men. You know but its also, its easier to make money but the addiction and the withdraw and the pain is more severe. You know cause guys here, you know they can cover it up or whatnot, we can’t…
You know its is just a little bit more, its more complicated on women.
And what also made me want to do it, is I had all my family telling me I was not gonna do it. That I wasn’t gonna get clean and I was just gonna be this and be that and I, I pretty much I proved everybody wrong. You know cause I’m not gonna be that, that that life was not meant for me. I was mainly the person, I went out and drank, smoked pot once in a while. Doin heroin, it is not who I’m supposed to be. You know I wind up escorting and dancing and all that crap. And I got not only addicted to the drugs but addicted to the money, addicted to sex, addicted to the lifestyle period, and it’s just too much to juggle. You know, I’ve actually broke down and like literally fell to my knees praying to God because I didn’t want to do it no more. At one point I felt myself start to go crazy because day in and day out that’s where I was. Christmas morning that’s where I was, like it was pathetic and its like a shame because you can’t really, you’re not really gonna know what it’s like for a heroin addict unless you physically, mentally and emotionally feel it. And I thought that like, like when I met my husband he was, he was in recovery but I wasn’t, I had never touched it. And I used to know him and pursing around and go your dirty cause you do this… I used to you know, the girls were nasty and all and like I never understood it until I became it.
There’s people out there that I know that many a times I sat there and said I can’t do it, I can’t do it, but somebody sees that someone else is doin it, maybe it will encourage them to do it. You know what I mean, I go to meetings and I speak about it and I talk to people about it and I’m hoping one of these days, you know somebody, somebody saved me. You know and I’m just hoping that somebody hears something either from me or sees me and remembers me from before and you know well hey she did it so I can do it you know, cause every life is worth trying to save.
Mary: I’ve been out here for uh twenty, approximately twenty-two years with an eight-year period of sobriety.
When I was like first coming out here I was like thirteen, fourteen years old.
When I was younger I didn’t get a whole lot of attention. And uh, walking to school every day this, this man used to talk to me, used to make me feel good, he used to pay attention to me like he noticed me and he was older, he was like twenty years older than I was and um you know like I said I wasn’t with my Mom, I was really shy uh I was very insecure about my teeth. He just made me feel good and I remember like today it was like his birthday or something like why don’t you not go to school today and you know we’ll go get something to eat, you know and I was like oh cool you know and uh and here he let me in and uh like shot me up with heroin and uh and it turned into the meth scene and the cocaine scene and, and I just, I just had it, that gene in my body I guess sometimes they say it’s genetic and you know I call it that gene, I have that gene that I have. It’s like an allergy. Once I put any kind of drug into my body I have an extremely hard time stopping.
I went to jail and I went to a rehab and like I had been to jail before, I was just so tired, I was so tired of this lifestyle. Well from the age of twelve, I really didn’t know anything else, you know. I just know I missed my family, you know and, and I remember telling the judge I said no matter how much time you give me please don’t send me back to the streets, send me to a program, whatever. And he did and from there I just rebuilt my life. I, I stayed clean for 8 years. I bought a home. I was a receptionist for a franchise corporation at Liberty Place. I had a son and he was four when I relapsed. And I didn’t step foot in the Kensington area for eight years and once I did I been here now for eight years. In which now I have a goal and you know I try to stay focused on it and I mean I go about it the right way, I’ve been saving some money and I plan on like, hopefully getting out of the neighborhood without a habit. I’m kinda weaning myself off. I’ll be forty-two years next, forty-two year old, next month, so it’s just like yeah.
I haven’t seen my son in about a year and prior to that I didn’t see him, I was a single parent for about four and a half years, and when I, I had three surgeries, that’s why I had a relapse. I wasn’t honest with the doctor and he prescribed me narcotics. So, but he didn’t know, I didn’t tell him you know and uh and once the prescription stopped then uh, there was that phenomenal craving.
And you know its, my family don’t understand because, because I do drugs doesn’t change my love for them. Or it doesn’t, we don’t have any protection around here. This is a horrible existence it really, really is a horrible existence you know and, and then the guilt, the guilt like, once I do get clean then the guilt, I have to face my family the guilt kinda takes me back like I don’t want to face this I’m such a bad person I cheated myself, how could I have done this you know. So I plan on just, just moving on by myself and moving out of state and having some money in my pocket and just rebuild, rebuild my life.
Like a lot of, like I just don’t do this for drugs I do this because I wanna eat because I like to buy clothes because I like small things you know. I did have a normal life at once you know but. The part that gets me is, the most is, how my family just don’t understand like this isn’t what I want to do this isn’t, I don’t choose this, I really don’t, but I think the whole thing you know I think it’s a shame my family doesn’t, like, like I really believe, like if my, if my family say like Mary come, come home stay with us like, if I can I would. You know like, like if it was my son, I think I would be there and I think a lot of it is because I can’t be with him. And it’s weird because I can’t be with him because I’m on drugs, but I’m on drugs because I can’t be with him.
Babe, but you don’t ever answer your phone, I mean, how am I gonna know if you’re coming or not?
All right, I’ll call you at ten o’clock tomorrow morning. Will you answer your phone? All right, and if you don’t hear from me it means I don’t have any change. You meet me at Huntingdon and 12th? Well… I mean yes. All right, I’ll call you at ten but if not, if you don’t hear from me pick me up at twelve o’clock at Huntingdon all right? All right, make sure you answer your phone. All right and I’ll see you at twelve. If you don’t hear from me it means I can’t call you and I’ll be waiting for you at twelve at Huntingdon. And I’ll sit there until you get there. I miss you, I want to be able to see you. All right, I’ll see you tomorrow. All right, love you too. Bye.
Jeffrey Stockbridge: Who’s that?
Sarah: Huh, oh my ex. He lets me stay, like I don’t have a place to live. Um, I pay people by the night to stay in their house and I haven’t been able to make any money since yesterday and I do heroin and I’m dope-sick, I’m starving, I don’t have any cigarettes, I don’t have any bus fare to get to Trenton, that’s where he’s at.
I’ve been out here on and off for uh five years, I’ve been using heroin for ten.
JS: What got you started on heroin?
Sarah: Umm, my daughters father left, I went into a major depression stage, and I, I was almost 300 pounds, I started sniffing cocaine, and then um somebody said, here try this and so I started sniffing heroin. I sniffed for a couple years and then my ex shot me up while I was sleeping, so I started shooting up after that. I’ve been shooting ever since.
I, I , I live uh day to day. If I don’t make money to pay somebody to stay in their house I stay in an abandoned house or I just stay up for a couple days, um, I can go a couple days without eating and uh, my family, they love me but, I can’t live with them. I have a ten year old daughter…
That’s my daughter and that’s my niece. And um, these are two of my four sisters. She’s pregnant and uh she’s the one who my parents, my dad just go laid off, so my parents live with her. My daughter lives with her and she’s getting ready to have a baby so there’s no room for me and I don’t really have any other family so I don’t have anywhere to go. Plus, on top of that, the fact that I have an addiction makes everything worse cause who wants to help anybody who has an addiction? I’m not a thief, I don’t rob anybody. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to but I just can’t bring myself to do that, you know what I mean. I’m not out here cause I want to be, and I certainly don’t enjoy it. Matter of fact this is the worst, loneliest existence that there is in the world.
I want to go to Detox but I’ve tried with my insurance and they only give you a certain amount of time and the time it takes you know, the hour or two it takes to come up with a measly ten or twenty bucks, you know, you get what you need to get and you have to do it all over again. I do about twelve bags of heroin a day.
JS: What do you charge your clients?
Sarah: Um, anywhere’s from twenty-five to.. I’ve gotten as much as a hundred bucks but um, I’ve been ripped off, I’ve been robbed, I’ve been raped, I’ve been stuck up, I’ve been gang raped, I’ve had a gun to my head, I’ve had a knife to my neck, I’ve been put out of the car, you know, east bumble fuck, um, I’ve had a lot of stuff happen to me, a lot of bad stuff. It’s by the grace of God I’m still, I don’t have HIV, I get tested every three months, I shoot up obviously but I use brand new needles every time I do, I don’t share needles with anybody, I take precautions, I always use protection, like I don’t, certain kind of guys that I date and certain kind of guys I don’t date. Um, I have cirrhosis of the liver, and so for me heroin is more like not a drug, but kinda makes me move, it makes me able to go, and my body has become so dependent on it that when I tried to Detox cold turkey without having anything my body went, like flip flop so bad that it almost killed me. So, I can’t Detox unless I’m in a hospital somewhere. Um, I would love to be able to be clean. I’ve overdosed nine times, I was actually dead once, they brought me back, I was dead for seven minutes, and they, they brought me back. Sometimes I just wish I could go jump off the bridge, if I had enough nerve I probably would.
There’s nothing more real than this, this situation. Um, standing on the corner selling your ass and everybody knowing what you’re doing is as real as it gets. Um, girls, if you are a woman enough to get in a car with a strange man and not knowing if it’s gonna be the last man that you see, the last person you see in life, and then somebody comes up to you and says, ‘do you shoot up and you look at them and you lie and you say, ‘no I don’t do that.’ I mean, you’re a coward, because you are ballsy enough to do what you’re doing, you’re ballsy enough to give a ten dollar, ten dollar blow job you know because you’re sick, but you’re not ballsy enough to be honest about it, you know. I look at it like this. I’m taking my life in my own hands every time I do what I do. I’m humiliated by doing what I do. You know, but, unfortunately, this is the lifestyle that I chose to lead, you know and until I decide to fix it or actually fight to fix it, I’m gonna be stuck in this, in this hole, you know, and it doesn’t matter how your family loves you, or who loves you, or how many people want you to get clean, if you don’t love yourself, you don’t give a fuck, and that’s where I’m at. I just don’t. I don’t care. I have a beautiful daughter, you know and I have a nice family you know, I wasn’t raised like this, I went to Catholic School my whole life and uh, I was raised with morals and, and values and like this wasn’t one of them.
I started this fifteen years ago. Obviously drugs, heroin. That’s always been my thing. I used to smoke coke back fifteen years ago when it first came out. That’s what turned a lot of the girls out here. And um, it used to be real wild. Like the cops were wild, you know what I mean, they worked with the girls. You could be out here at three o’clock in the morning, I mean the dates would line up in the streets. And um, you were just making money over fist but you were spending it on drugs. I remember the cops driving around with kegs in the back of the van, and they would help us out- the girls that were doing the right thing. You know what I mean, a lot of us just wanted to make our money so we could keep our habit and mind our business, but fifteen years ago a lot of the girls were robbing the guys. And that’s when things started to get bad. And then there were a lot of young girls. Now from here, basically we go around for a minute. If you go up the other way they, they have pimps, they have, you know it’s a bad scene. I’ve never needed anybody to tell me what to do with my money, ha. But um, you know, it’s a rough life, and a lot of the girls they don’t think, you know what I mean, they just wanna make that money and they don’t think about what’s gonna happen. You know but you learn as you get older and you start doing this.
Now, I left for a while went to Florida and took the habit with me, ended up in prison. Three years, three years for possession, yeah it was crazy. And um came back out and decided I was gonna come back here. Now it’s been all together about 10 years. Now, its calmed down, a lot. But the girls look really sick. That cocaine, it’ll just take you under. It’ll just make you not think about what your doing. Cause you just want the next hit. You’re constantly on the go. With the heroin it’s not like that, you get your fix and you go in. And your good till the next one. So it’s a lot calmer and you can think better you know what I mean. You really can, I mean it really, believe it or not it makes a difference. So I got off the coke. I’m working on getting off the dope. I’m going to um, as a matter of fact tomorrow at five in the morning I gotta leave and go to Parkside. I don’t know if you heard of it, it’s a methadone program. That’s up on um, by across from Fairmount Park on Parkside Avenue. It’s just time to stop. You know, and what’s made it really hard tho, is that I’ve met some nice people, who I like; we meet up at the bookstore. And that’s a great place you pay twenty dollars you go in, they have booths, movies, you pay twenty dollars you have a half-hour. Legally you’re allowed to go in there to watch a movie and you can go in with somebody. As long as the bookstore’s not profiting from the women. As long as I’m not giving them money for letting me bring somebody in, the guy has to go in he’s got to pay for the booth and he can bring whoever he wants in, they have nothing to do with that. What happens in the booth between the guy and the girl, that’s between them. And then, they just leave, so they’re really, even though they’re aware they’re not aware but they know without us they’re not gonna make no money. Because it’s a lot easier to go in their and do something and pay the twenty dollars than to be in your car getting a blowjob, or trying to get in the back seat, especially in the winter cause I got like layers and layers of clothes on, hahaha, cause its so cold you know.
Most of the men I date are married. They’re over 35, probably over 45. They’re married their wife doesn’t give head or they don’t have a lot of sex and they’re just trying to do their thing and go about their business. They’re not real into the touchy feely wanna kiss. Some guys are, some guys wanna kiss and all that. I don’t really care for that. It’s kinda personal. I don’t like the oral sex on me either. That to me is like, you know cause I don’t have no feeling for you, I can do you with no emotion and its like somebody else. Cause my dates like my body, it’s not me. I don’t let it touch me, I just, it’s an act. You know what I’m saying. But if I have to lay back and you’re all over me, that makes it really uncomfortable you know. You start with the oral sex. You flip over, you hit it from behind and put their condom on, come, you throw everything away, wipe up, by see you in a couple days or whatever and it’s a done dollar. Nobody gets hurt.
JS: How many dates do you average in a day sometimes? What’s a good day?
Sam: A good day would be three, cause I charge fifty dollars a date when I go in there. You do have to have money when you go in there cause its twenty for the booth. Most of the men don’t mind paying it if you treat them right. And that’s all they want. They want to feel special, for about fifteen, twenty minutes they want to feel like they’re all that matters. Like what they want is important to you. And you’re gonna make it happen for them without them feeling like they’re gonna be surrounded or the cops are gonna come or you’re bringing them to a secluded place and somebody’s gonna jump out and rob them. They don’t want all that drama. They don’t want have to take you to buy drugs first, take you to a hotel and then you geek out and you don’t want to perform the act, you know they don’t want to go through that. So if they can get a girl that says, come on, lets do this, you know what I mean, what do you need, I got you. And I’m real sweet, you know, I’m like real nice because as long as you pay me I don’t have a problem with what you need. Just pay me, don’t disrespect me. You know I don’t want to be talked to like a nut, you’re not gonna spank me and slap me, and pinch me and all I’m not in to all that, but, but at the same time, they’re feeling nothing but pleasure through the whole thing. They’re feeling wow this girl is paying all attention to me; just by the way she’s doing me. You know what I mean, there is a way to give oral sex and its just, you don’t want it to stop. Then there’s all right, lets get to the sex part cause this aint working. There’s a way to have sex and moan and groan without being hysterical, without hollering like a banshee, you know what I mean. But, where he feels like he’s making you feel good, cause guys get off on that. They’re visual and they hear. So if they can look at your face and you’re kinda licking your lips and mmm, you know what I mean, they’re liking that. They’re feeling like they’re doing all that. And at the same time they get off. Business is handled. And the next thing you know they want to see you again.
You know I have a fire chief, and accountant, that I see and a mechanic that I see every week. They call me, they pick me up right near my house, I don’t have to come down to the avenue. And we’ll come up to the bookstore. And I mean they’re excited to see me. You know what I mean; they thought they’re the only on dating me you know what I mean. One likes to do everything. And he just thinks I’m like the sexiest thing you know what I mean. Its almost every day at like 5 o’clock, he’s at the bookstore.
Where else can you go and walk, blend in, it’s- Kensington’s been known, I mean it’s on the Internet, its known, it’s the avenue. You can’t really downtown, that’s really a gay scene. Okay, that’s the boys club. You know if you’re going to spruce and locust, it used to be Locust Street but that’s all gay now. Then you got Broad Street but that’s mostly black. So if you want a white girl your gonna come down to the avenue and because everybody knows the avenue, everybody just comes here. And I’ll tell you what, its addictive. I mean I left Florida where it’s beautiful and all to come back to the avenue because this is where I can be me. I can be me, you don’t have to like it but you’re all right with it and you’re gonna be you. You’re gonna ride down and your gonna see girls out here and its not gonna phase you, its part of the norm down here. Cab drivers, dope dealers, hookers and johns. A bar and church on every corner. This is what you’re used to seeing. The avenue will always be.
Now we used to sit on these steps. The bikers would come out. We’d be out her four o’clock in the morning, everybody smoking crack, shooting dope, getting ready to turn tricks. It’s hot out. It’s the middle of July. Where else you gonna be able to just run the street. The cops get to know you and as long as you’re not doing anything they don’t mess with you, the people that mess with you out here is vice.
Me: Is this one of the corners here?
Sam: That’s the bookstore. The famous bookstore. I’ve known them for 15 years. And when they see me they go, ‘Hey Sam where you been?’ Like cause they didn’t get to see me for a few years cause I went to prison and all and I’m back, they have made money every day cause I have brought somebody in there every day. Sometimes I’ll go in there like when I want to be left alone and I’ll give them five dollars and I’ll go up and watch a movie. And just chill for a minute you know what I mean cause I have a headache or whatever. You know what I mean, we’ll sit there we’ll have some drinks, they’ll make drinks in there you know, it they, they know you. There’s a lot of use who’ve been around here a long time. So certain guys that work in there, they might bring a bottle to work with them. So we’ll go in they’ll be like you need a drink, yeah, we’ll have a drink smoke a cigarette, all right see what I can do and go out. They don’t take nothing from us, we don’t owe them anything they don’t ask, they won’t play that game. They don’t even want to hear it. And we that have been around for a while know this. You know the deal when you come through the door. You come in, he comes in, he pays they give the booth your escorted to the booth and handle your business, we don’t wanna know. They don’t say well what did you get twenty, did you get thirty, did you get forty. You know. They don’t say anything like that.
I’ll tell you the saddest part. I would do this without the habit. Which that’s my plan because its extra money in my pocket. I’m sick of having the habit. You don’t know what its like to go buy a bag of dope, do it, and not get high cause your tolerance is high, just to feel normal. You know what I mean, you’re spending money just to feel normal, you’re not even get- the thrill is gone. I’m forty, You know, I’ve been shooting dope since I was fourteen. The thrill is so gone. But I can’t take being sick, but now I’m thinking you know I’ll get on a program and I’ll make some money on the side and I can use it for other things cause I think I’m just hooked on the whole game of it. You know, it’s the place that I belong. It’s not for everybody but some people look forward to seeing me and I look forward to seeing them. It’s just where I’m known. And when I’m not with them I can be home in my own and just chill. Its like putting on a mask you know I can go out here and be whatever I want to be and then I can go home and just be with me and I’m okay with it. You know I’m just not okay with having the habit anymore. Ain’t that something?
Krista, 2009.
Krista, 2009.
