KENSINGTON BLUES

Tag: Family

My name is Hope Daniels. That’s not really my name.

Anonymous Portrait no. 1, 2018.

Part One.

My name is Hope Daniels. That’s not really my name. I decided to go with that name because I got a new job and I feel like my job won’t want me or basically wouldn’t want to hire me if they knew that I was in recovery.

I used to use heroin. I used to snort it and inject it. And it basically took everything from me and it made me a monster.

What job would want me if I were to be honest and tell them I’m in recovery, uh, from shooting heroin?

I grew up in Upper Darby and I started to use heroin mostly in Kensington. I was using for about five years.

My mom noticed the whole alcohol problem, um, I would go to like bars and stuff when I was like 18, before I was even old enough to get in, 19. And um, it got really bad. I moved in with one of my EX’s and um he would buy me beer, get me into bars and it’s crazy cause I have a whole family full of alcoholics and I didn’t think I was one of them at all but like looking back the signs were all there. It started with like beer and then gin and then I would like only go to work to get a paycheck so I could have money to afford like the beer on the weekends or this or that and it got to the point of me drinking just orange juice and vodka just sitting home doing nothing.

So then I got put into the rehab. I said, ‘Fine, I’ll go.’ And I fell like that just opened the doors to so much more heartache and misery. I try to stay compassionate but a lot of people in there like, were, they still… sometimes they go because they are court mandated to or ‘Do you ever really want to be here?’ or, it’s a hard process. So yeah, there would be certain days where like, ‘Oh, I used to shoot up this and that, I used to 8 ball this and that, be on the street, dododododo’… Like trying to sound cool and stuff but that’s all they’ve ever known. Like, how do you have a normal conversation? Well, that’s how addicts have a normal conversation.

I got involved in a stupid rehab romance. All theses terms… if you’re in addiction you’ll know all of these terms… um but, I got into a rehab romance with this guy, we got out- or I got out and then I waited for him and when he got out we moved into his mom’s house and that’s where I actually tried heroin for the first time. That’s where I tried wet for the first time. That’s where I did some xanies, drinking, this, that, we stole to feed ourselves. It was a mess and by the time my mom came a rescued me, my mom is an angel, she’s, I feel like, throughout all this, she’s the main reason why I’m still here and um she got me outta there. And then I, she wanted me to go to another rehab um, up in the mountains and I agreed. And I was driven and hour and a half or so all the way up to there only to be kicked out, a few- lets say maybe like three weeks in, to be kicked out for fighting. And that was rehab number two. I’ve been to about six, um, been kicked out of two, the last one was in Florida. I thought maybe if I ran away and went far away from the main place where all this bad shit was happening and I couldn’t get set free from this demon of mine, I thought if I ran to Florida, everything would be okay but um… it wasn’t.

I caught a plane home… sorry… and I stayed clean a little while. But it was right back to it. And my mom saved me. She broke down my door. Where I had vomit all over me, my face in the vomit on the floor. And I just, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I just surrendered. And it was hard but I’m so, I’m so grateful for where I’m at today. I really am. Cause I don’t want my mom to have to find me like that ever again. While my son is sleeping in the other room I rush to go do that like? It was a whole process, we moved my back room all the way up to her side of the house and now my room is next to her’s cause she’s so scared and she loves me. I have a lot of guilt that I’m working through but I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna feel like I used to anymore and I don’t wanna to hurt her anymore cause she’s sacrificed so much for me. I don’t want to feel dead anymore.


Anonymous Portrait no. 2, 2018.

Part Two

I don’t wanna like play the whole ‘daddy card,’ like I said I’m still working on that with my therapist. But like a lot of it, we discovered, me and my therapist, is the feeling of feeling unwanted, um not feeling loved, feeling, ugly, but mostly unwanted. My dad left when I was young and like I didn’t have a dad until I was about seven years old. So that void was there. And now I have my step dad who is like- he, he is my real dad. I love him. Um, but it hurts to not feel wanted, especially as a kid. And it’s not my moms fault. Um… but on top of that I was teased a lot, um I was called ugly, um… I was made fun of about my looks. Um… I was, I don’t know if I can say this but, white and black people used to call me ‘nigger nose’ because of my nose… Um… I’ve considered surgery, like… little things that may seem petty to people… You don’t know what we’ve been through. Or how we feel. Or how ugly we feel, you don’t know. So I was bullied a lot um… and I guess thats part of where my trauma started. And uh, I’m happy that I never did do any surgeries or anything because throughout all this I’ve learned that I’m beautiful just the way that I am. And if someone doesn’t like me, that’s okay because someone else will like me, someone else will love me, someone else will think I’m beautiful. But… even though I’ve moved past it, it still hurts. So that’s what I’m trying to work on right now. So that’s the trauma, that’s why I say I think it does go a lot deeper than just drug abuse, there’s something in all of us, some type of void, some, some hole that’s bigger than that other hole, you know.

The drugs and the alcohol made me feel beautiful and it was a lie. It was a lie because it was helping me to cope.

And now I’m clean and I’m starting to be okay with myself because I’m putting the work in with myself. Not just sitting at home twiddling my thumbs waiting for a change. I’m making that change. You know, um, I’ve been out of work two months. After interview, after interview, after interview, after no, after no, after no, I finally got a Yes! And a salary increase and benefits and a full time job and this is just one prime example of you accepting yourself, you loving yourself and you putting that work in to change to be the better person that you know you want to be.

I reached out because I try to stay humble and I try not to forget where I was. You want to remember and look forward to where you’re going but try not to forget where you’ve been because that kinda makes you who you are. And so sometimes I’ll read and I’ll google up on like ‘heroin news’ or uh ‘Kensington news’ to remind myself of where I don’t wanna be because any time I do read on it or if I’m craving and I read on it- it’s strange, like I said, you gotta figure out what works for you. Like, who would wanna read on it and that helps them heal? Well, that’s what helps me. Reading on it, and seeing people that have like, like the skin problems, or teeth falling out, like, I don’t wanna be there ever again, you know, the track marks, the people nodding off on the buses like, damn, I don’t wanna be there. So then my craving, that I was craving for a little bit, it goes away, because yes, for that instant little high, look what you’re gonna have to sacrifice for it. And it’s like, ‘What the heck? No, I don’t want to do that.’ So I’m like you just gotta play the tape through. All these terminologies from the rooms and this and therapy and rehabs, it’s starting to click. And maybe it’s because I’ve heard it over and over and over again but I don’t know, I’m just trying to figure it out and stay aware.

Anonymous Portrait no. 3, 2018.

Tioga and Shelbourne Street

002 013Tioga and Shelbourne Street, 2011.

Diana

131030- 023Diana with her kids, 2013.


Audio Transcript

Diana: My name is Diana Cooper, my daughter’s the oldest; her name’s Crystal Conway. She’s seven years old, and I got…the second one is Michael Conway Jr., and he’s five and a half, he’ll be six March 23rd. And I got Jonathan Conway, he’s three years old. I lived here all my life, I mean I’m thirty-four, and I lived here all my life.

JS: Can you tell me a little bit about what it’s like raising three kids here in Kensington?

Diana: It’s horrible…It’s easy when I’m inside the house, because they ain’t gotta see what goes on outside, on the corners. When I take them to school, they go to visitation school, it’s a catholic school on the other side, it’s like, on Lehigh, B and Lehigh, and every morning I walk them to school I see them, them ladies do prostitution on the corners, and I don’t…my kids always ask, “Mom, what are they doing?” and they see them jumping in and out of cars, I mean I…and like, you can see them smoking their dope on the side streets and everything. I mean, no matter where I go, if I try to take another way, they’re everywhere. And on the way home, the same thing. You know? And I’d seen a couple of them fighting because one got the john before the other one I guess. I mean it’s horrible, and I see a lot of drunks around here…

JS: How do you explain that to your kids?

Diana: I don’t know what to tell you…I said “I don’t wanna ever…” I don’t, I don’t want my kids turning out to be like that. I don’t know what to say to them because, I mean, that’s not a job, that’s not a good way to make money. You need to go through school, get your GED or high school diploma, and get a real job. That ain’t…I told my daughter, “that ain’t what kinda job you wanna get.” I mean, that’s not even a job, I told her. I said “don’t…”, I don’t…that’s why I wanna move out of the city, move away from here, ‘cause that’s not really a job, I mean, it’s nasty, they got bad drug problems, why don’t they just get help, you know? Then they sleep on the streets and they wonder why they’re on the streets because they money they get they, they drug it up. You know? It’s because they ain’t got nowhere to go, and I said…and I tell them but there’s shelters they could go to and get cleaned up, there’s rehabs…why do they gotta do that? I mean, it’s horrible. And you tell your kids not to talk to strangers or jump in cars with strangers, but you got these ladies, I mean, they’re setting a bad example for these young girls, they say “oh, they can jump in cars with strangers…” and the kids don’t know why they do that, but…they’re supposed to be setting…and no matter who you are, you’re grown up, you’re supposed to be setting good examples for these kids, like, not to jump in cars with strangers. And they’re doing it, you know? It’s horrible. She don’t even…they don’t…my daughter said, “she don’t even know that guy, he just pulled over and picked her up.” And they look horrible too, them ladies on the ave. They look bad, very bad. And they found… did you hear about that… they found prostitutes murdered, from this one guy…some people say they deserve it because they’re out there desperate to make a buck. There’s jobs out there that you can get through welfare; they don’t need to do that, you know? And if they got a bad drug problem, there’s rehabs. I mean, they don’t care about their lives, it seems to me. And every time I see ‘em, I get depressed, cos I’m saying, why are they gonna ruin their lives like that? It makes me depressed. I’m like, there’s too much in life to do that, you know?

 

Edward and Robert

Jeffrey_Stockbridge_Edward-02Edward Merchel III, Winter 2011.

Jeffrey_Stockbridge_Journal_Entry_Edward_RobertJournal Entry by Edward and Robert Merchel, 2011.

Jeffrey_Stockbridge_Robert_Merchel-01Robert Merchel, holding the photograph of his recently deceased brother, 2011.

I met Edward Merchel III while photographing on the abandoned Lehigh Viaduct, also know as “the tracks”. This is a place where addicts retreat from the street in order to shoot up without fear of getting busted. A few weeks later I was on the corner of Kensington and Somerset, sharing new prints with people I potentially wanted to photograph and I met Robert.

Audio Transcript

Robert: He died, uh, July 25th they found him at the gas station on uh, at the Sunoco station. I’m not lying to you.

JS: I believe you.

Robert: Uh, my brother Eddie, that’s him…that’s my brother Eddie.

JS: Were you close with Eddie?

Robert: Yeah, he was my only brother.

JS: Were you helping him at all dealing with his addiction?

Robert: Yeah. Yeah.

JS: He was on it for a while, right?

Robert: Since he was 12.  Wow, do you have one where you can see his face real good?

JS: I do, the boy took it. Here it is, right here.

Robert: Can I have that, that’s my brother.

Passerby:  I know it is but I really like it.

JS: I’ll give you another one.

Passerby: E-mail it to me. E-mail it to me.

Robert: My brother, my brother’s dead.

Passerby: I know he is.

JS: I’ll give you another one man.

Passerby: Can you email it to me?

JS: Yeah yeah yeah.

Passerby: I’ll give you my email address, here. (Passing the photo to Robert)

Robert: Ah, man.

Passerby: That’s a good picture, ain’t it?

Robert: Ah man. Thanks.

Passerby: I was gonna hold onto that. I was just with him a month ago. I was just with him.

Robert: He died.

Passerby: I know he did, let me see the other one.

Robert: He was a wall writer.

Passerby: That’s amazing, man.

Robert: His name was pretty boy back in the 70’s.

Robert: …I was on vacation, and uh,  I called home and my father said uh they found my brother we used to call him Stachi.

Passerby: Yeah, that was my home boy.

Robert: and uh, they found him on uh 25th, it was a Mon…it was a Tuesday and uh, they took fingerprints and uh, my father’s name’s Eddie, Eddie Merchel his name is, right and uh, my dad’s brother’s a cop but he’s retired so when they got the fingerprints he thought it was his brother and he came down and met my father at, ya know, went to his house and he was like, they found Eddie at the Sunoco station on uh, Frankford and Lehigh. I went there last week and knocked on the window and asked the woman about the guy they found dead, she said I was here that day. I said, How long was he there? She said he was there an hour and 15 minutes.

Passerby: You’d think you could make a documentary about this neighborhood.

Robert: That’s what he is doin’

Passerby: Seriously..know what I’m saying, this is, this is one of a kind, this neighborhood, really…and throughout the United States there’s probably not a neighborhood like this, seriously.

Robert: Sure there is, every city has a neighborhood just like this. Like I been to the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

Passerby: I don’t think there is..there’s something, you don’t even..

Robert: No matter where you go, if you meet somebody from wherever and they’ve been to Philly, everybody knows Kensington and Somerset.

Passerby: It’s like the Bermuda triangle down here.

Passerby: Yeah, man it’s hard.

Robert: Once you get in you can’t get out.

Passerby: …and like just cause I don’t use dope but I’m caught up in this too, I’m caught up in this too. Right there, she be up the street. (Refering to a woman in a  photograph of mine)

Robert: I know everybody in that. (Refering to my stack of photos)

Passerby: That’s some picture, man. This is something, man. All this but nobody’s sayin, man, people gotta know what goes on right here, man. I’m telling you man, this is something man, people don’t know man. This is, this is…

Robert: This is Hell. This is my brother.

Passerby: What he’d do?

Robert: He’s dead.

Passerby: Where?

Robert: At the gas station on Lehigh, there he is again. He’s dead now,  OD’d. What did he sign, pretty boy? That was his wall right writing name back in the day. That’s what we used to do…tag.

Robert: (Reading Edward’s journal entry) My name is Edward Merchel, Edward Merchel the 3rd. I was once known as king of the graffiti, in this world from 1975 to 1978. I was, I was the king, which he was, but now its Feburary the 11th, I am on drugs Heroin, Coke and need to get off these drugs. I mean now.

Drug Dealer: Suboxone!

Danny: You mind talking to me for a sec?

Robert: Well, that, well…

Danny: I gotta talk to you about them pictures.

JS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll talk to you in one sec, man.

Robert: Well, that’s enough about me, see all of you later. That’s my brother. Edward Merchel… I’ll write something.

Robert: (Reading his journal entry) Hello Ed this is your brother Robbie, I knew I’d see you again and I did. It was crazy, I was coming down Kensington Ave, I met this guy that took your picture. I was shocked to see you but I knew where to find you. It made my whole day, its August 25th 2011, you’ve been gone one month to the day. It’s really crazy but I knew I’d see you again. I hope your with Mom, Nana and Jamie I miss you a whole…I miss you a whole lot, and everybody you know down here misses you too. Say hello to Mom, Nana and Jamie for me, come see me in my dreams. I’ll be waiting for you, love your brother Robbie. Aka Bolo NP with PB #1. Take it easy Ed.

 

A Family Outing

20100109 017A Family Outing, 2009.

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